You'll Always Remember Your First Time

Fatted Calf First-timers Instructions:

1. From the exterior, enter through the door to your left marked "Enter." The door on the right is for "Exit" only. (The way we see it, the less you have to think about arrival and departure options, the more you can concentrate on our delicious hamburgers) Form a line on the left side of the restaurant. As you wait to place your order, be sure to stare at other diners' food as they eat those luscious burgers. Feel that Pavlovian response begin in your saliva glands as you wonder if their burger is topped with tasty mushrooms, or perhaps crispy bacon cooked up fresh that day, and how that fresh thick slice of gorgeous red tomato perfectly accents the cold lettuce and, dare we say it, the scoop of luscious, luscious soft cheddar cheese melting on the hot, meaty burger. We trust you'll be sufficiently hungry by the time you order.

2. Place your order. Although yes, we do offer options like a Tuna sandwich or a Charbroiled Chicken salad, don't fool yourself. Get our burger – at least the first time here. No, you don't need a double or triple, or mini (although some people order another one after they finish the first). One size – a nice thick and juicy 1/3 pound. Tell us how you want it done (we recommend medium, to maintain the flavor and juices), and settle down to your choice of toppings. Dart your eyes between our menu board and the vintage brown and white containers sitting on our classic copper counter tops (Yep! They're real, and you're darn right – they take a lot of work to keep looking that great) as you try to imagine what your mouth will be most enthralled with – tasty crisp (real and fresh) bacon, hearty fresh tomatoes, crunchy lettuce, savory mushrooms, delectable Swiss cheese and yes, yes! That's it – right there in that crock . . . or is it an urn? Is that really the stuff of which legends are made? Could it be the world-famous soft cheddar cheese that tops the solar system-famous Fatted Calf burgers, the kind of cheese that's scooped out with an ice-cream scoop? (okay, not a really big ice cream scoop, but one that technically still qualifies – it's got that thumb thing on it). "Do ittt," as Ahhnold would say. Order the soft cheddar. Especially if it's your first time.