You'll Always Remember Your First Time

Fatted Calf First-timers Instructions:

1. From the exterior, enter through the door to your left marked "Enter." The door on the right is for "Exit" only. (The way we see it, the less you have to think about arrival and departure options, the more you can concentrate on our delicious hamburgers) Form a line on the left side of the restaurant. As you wait to place your order, be sure to stare at other diners' food as they eat those luscious burgers. Feel that Pavlovian response begin in your saliva glands as you wonder if their burger is topped with tasty mushrooms, or perhaps crispy bacon cooked up fresh that day, and how that fresh thick slice of gorgeous red tomato perfectly accents the cold lettuce and, dare we say it, the scoop of luscious, luscious soft cheddar cheese melting on the hot, meaty burger. We trust you'll be sufficiently hungry by the time you order.

2. Place your order. Although yes, we do offer options like a Tuna sandwich or a Charbroiled Chicken salad, don't fool yourself. Get our burger – at least the first time here. No, you don't need a double or triple, or mini (although some people order another one after they finish the first). One size – a nice thick and juicy 1/3 pound. Tell us how you want it done (we recommend medium, to maintain the flavor and juices), and settle down to your choice of toppings. Dart your eyes between our menu board and the vintage brown and white containers sitting on our classic copper counter tops (Yep! They're real, and you're darn right – they take a lot of work to keep looking that great) as you try to imagine what your mouth will be most enthralled with – tasty crisp (real and fresh) bacon, hearty fresh tomatoes, crunchy lettuce, savory mushrooms, delectable Swiss cheese and yes, yes! That's it – right there in that crock . . . or is it an urn? Is that really the stuff of which legends are made? Could it be the world-famous soft cheddar cheese that tops the solar system-famous Fatted Calf burgers, the kind of cheese that's scooped out with an ice-cream scoop? (okay, not a really big ice cream scoop, but one that technically still qualifies – it's got that thumb thing on it). "Do ittt," as Ahhnold would say. Order the soft cheddar. Especially if it's your first time.

3. You want to cry. Or laugh. Or most likely, eat. You've ordered your very first Fatted Calf Burger, and joined the exclusive club that has existed since 1966. Breathe out a sigh of relief, and if there's any air left, whisper to us that you want our legendary steak fries. Or maybe onion rings. We'll most likely just point at the warming tray where we place them hot and steaming. Don't want us to know you're a first-timer? Just go ahead and take your fries and put them on your tray. Move along in line – If it's a busy lunchtime, chances are good that your burger will be ready before you check out. Otherwise, we'll bring your burger out to you after you sit down. (Hello – isn't that what "Cooked to order" means?)

4. Order your Drinks – fountain sodas, beer, plus some fancy-schmancy stuff like Pinot Noir for those who like to think they're dining on real china. But remember - this is the Fatted Calf – where tradition, family, soft cheddar and the world's best burgers are proudly served in paper baskets, 'cuz we got rid of the plastic baskets long ago.

5. Sit down. And no – we're not going to help you find a seat. We've got a ton of tables – all real wood and all dating back to our roots in the 60's. Enjoy your air a little thinner? Sit at our tall tables with stools, and even though you'll look down on everyone else, we know in our hearts that, deep down inside, all Fatted Calf burger lovers are the same. During your short wait at the table, just try to sit there and not eat a fry . . . or two, or more. Yum. Your food is on the way. The second it comes off the flame and grill, we whisk it away to you and plop it down so you can eat it hot and fresh. Enjoy! (condiments are on the carts located on the same wall as the drinking fountain – bring your burger and fix it up there.) And exit through the opposite door from whence you came. Okay, be a rule breaker – and try to leave through the same door you came through. Ha! No handle. Next time you'll know – and there will be a next time, after our sweet Fatted Calf burgers come to you in your daydreams, and just before lunch . . .